There are good days, don't get me wrong. There are some who listen and make me feel better and for that I am thankful. There are days that are genuinely wonderful, a few at least.
But really, I've been secretly falling apart.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I really don't.
I feel like I go through the motions of doing things every day and I can act like it's really something that matters to me but I have no idea what's important anymore. I am filling out applications and stressing out over them and the thought keeps entering my mind that maybe I'm just not going to go anywhere. Or at least nowhere that matters to me. My life feels so stagnant and everything is slipping. There are problems that just keep building up, so fast that I can't even solve the problems that were here before. I am in way over my head on some things, but on others I don't even put forth effort and I know that I should. Spiritually, I'm just drained. Normally prayer is one of the things that keeps me grounded and keeps me from stressing out but lately, if I'm completely honest, I don't even think about it being useful. That fact absolutely kills me because I know it works. There have been so many disappointments lately, so many people that have let me down and at the same time I know I have let other people down. I used to think relationships were things I was good at, I was fine dealing with people and working things out, but I can't. I don't feel like anything I say is adequate enough. "Sorry" seems so ridiculous to me, as if I feel like saying it would change nothing. I actually don't know what to say, while normally I am sure that I am the one that can solve all my own problems. The most bizarre thing is that music fails to move me. I turn on a song just to feel....something. Anything. I end up upset because I don't feel anything and that kills me more than anything. I hate apathy. I look forward to sleeping. I actually look forward to it, and not because I'm working so hard that I'm tired, but because when I'm asleep I don't have to deal with anything. Some nights I can't sleep, and those are the absolute worst. I spend my time thinking about potential dialogue in situations that will never happen.


And above all, I hate this. I hate that I have plenty of words for talking about what's wrong but when I try to see the good or what could make it better, it gets hard. I hate that everything in my life has to be about me and I can't see past my own problems. I hate that I can't share this with anyone because I hate being vulnerable and I don't want to feel like me talking about what I'm feeling is just me trying to bring attention to myself. I hate this self-absorbed nature of it all. And I hate how many times I just used the word 'hate'. "You're too negative and I'm gonna make it all better!!" What was I thinking? Really? Wow, I am seriously honestly embarrassedly sorry for that. The word 'hypocritical' stings.

They Met

In the name of all that is holy:


http://www.spin.com/features/magazine/covers/2007/11/0712_bruce_springsteen_win_butler/




i'm seriously speechless.

REgina SPEKTor

Someone said that she's overrated, but I don't really believe it or care. Maybe the whole "I'm-adorable-and/or-wasted-all-the-time" front is fake, but that face she made when claimed to have forgotten the lyrics was still grand, and we still yelled them out as if she really needed assistance. Also, if you can beatbox.....marry me.

Okay, so we have to do a psychology project where we look up dreams and what happened in them for significance at this really sketchy website. But...

Concert
To dream that you are at a concert, represents harmony and cooperation in a situation or relationship of your waking life. You are experiencing an uplift in your spirits.

Remember that? Too bad there's not one for Stephen Colbert.

Halloween 2007: I am RoadKill.

I am so deathly terrified of the future. I am terrified of not being in control and not knowing what's coming next. I've heard it said, but it hasn't really sunk in until lately that the fact that I have no idea where I will be living this time next year is just so bizarre. I have tried so long to forget all of this and think that maybe if I just never brought up the future it wouldn't come, but I am pretty sure that strategy is not working. Life is fun, but I just feel like looming in the distance is this big change and decision in my life. "It may be good, it may be bad, but whatever the outcome, it's coming and it's nerve-racking." I use a quote from last year to describe next year. Replace that with the "spoons-when-all-you-need-is-a-knife" line, Alanis.

There are a lot of things happening right now that are out of my control. There are things I can't understand, there are things that upset me and there's a whole lot of heartbreak. I've been told things I never wanted to hear, and there are situations spiraling out of control that I can't get a grip on. There are good things, though. I have decided am not going to let myself be constantly disappointed by certain people anymore, whether that means taking a temporary break from them or something more intense, I'll have to see. I am so overwhelmed by the ability the Posse has to surround a situation in prayer and in just genuine love. It sounds cheesy but it's completely true.

This year has been so rewarding already. I'm sure I'll look back on this sentence when I'm older and still believe I didn't have it all quite right, but it sucks that you have to go through three years of awkwardly and uncomfortably finding out who you really are and what you believe in and stand for in high school until you find your place. I have such a good foundation of faith and friends right now, and even though there are major events happening that I have never had to deal with before, I feel okay. Of course, bringing back the initial fear, there is a definite unavoidable chance that all of this foundation and surroundings I have built up this year will all change next year and I'll have to do it all again. I can only hope it won't take as long. And, since I really haven't made a decision about where it is I want to be next year, I'll be praying pretty nonstop.

In addition to all of this, for the CliffNotes version:

current likes
the starbucks free songs on itunes!
cold weather!
sharon jones and the dap-kings
phone conversations
naps
making up my own language
3rd period
stephen colbert
the tom hanks pledge
non pc muskrats
THE NEW BEIRUT CD
cold day party prospects
the hobbit cafe!!
MARK RONSON
cuddling

current dislikes
stupidity (no, i really mean this. people who do stupid things.)
lying
deciding what to write on college essays
classroom angst
not being open to new music
girls who find their entire identity in a boy
splinters
not being able to remember my dreams
how expensive polaroid film is
the united states postal service
not getting enough sleep

1. Happy 67th Birthday, John Lennon.

2. They are phasing out GT programs in elementary schools now and pretty soon they will not exist anymore. Ridiculous.

3. Obsessed:

4. I'm no good at not talking.

every time i read The Bell Jar i feel really small and sad after.
but sam cooke can cure that right away. he cures lots of things.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 (NIV)

...I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
So you're supposed to rejoice when you have a bad day.

"Who actually can do that?" -Karen Cain.

Be thankful? Be thankful. For blessings you don't even realize you have. "To keep me from being conceited" - okay. It makes sense. Thorns in your side are somewhat essential to keep us in check, because we really only turn to God when we have a problem/thorn, right? I mean, when things are going good and well, we think it's of our own doing and that we can handle it and then when the world comes crashing down we either come running back to God and eventually admit we can't go it alone or we get angry and ask why this is happening to us.

But God should be enough. That's a scary concept to the world today. How would we find salvation without iPhones and text messaging and Grey's Anatomy? He is sufficient and perfect. As in nothing else is needed.

"God can only use you greatly when he's hurt you deeply."
I heard that tonight. It's a bit controversial wording, maybe uneasy to some, but I get it. Trials are essential for growth. Without them we learn nothing, it seems. The times when you have to hang on and hold fast to faith are the times when you learn, or should be. So maybe that means you just have to delve in deeper to him during hard times. But learning to rejoice in them? That's a whole other story.

"I've Just Seen A Face" is probably my favorite song of the moment. I don't know what it is, but that little strumming part before he starts gets me all excited and it makes me want to dance. And I'm still so excited for Across The Universe, so that could be contributing. I'm also really digging Sam Cooke even more than usual. Mmmm.

I think we, as a world, should just make hand-holding a daily thing. Like Hands Across America in the 80s, only more successful. Not even romantically, just because and everyday-ish. I like holding hands, I guess it does somewhat matter who I'm holding hands with but I just like the action.

So, I'm off to find someone to hold hands with while singing "I've Just Seen A Face" or "What A Wonderful World" and that'll about do it.

I can't even write a mega-entry for ACL yet. My thoughts aren't all collected yet. I'm still amazed to be honest and happy and a tad bit still euphoric when I think about it.

Maybe I am just waaaaay too into psychology class lately, but I've made another unimportant discovery that when put into words will be most likely mocked back at me in a tone that is supposed to mimic my own Livejournal rambling voice, but lately I've noticed that sometimes all you get out of a whole conversation is one line. Sometimes it's rambling and it's funny at the time, but in five minutes you've moved on and will forget you ever used the oxygen around you to communicate a laugh or a point that seemed important. Sometimes there's a slip. It's a sentence said remorsefully or ending a story that the other person hopes you're not paying attention to or just lets out, and those stick with you. Maybe it's not even important to them, but it's what you take away. This makes no sense, I'm sorry. You talk to someone, maybe this conversation will "matter" ten years from now, maybe not (although I am inclined to believe most everything and detail matters whether I recall them 100% perfectly or not) but the point is, you take something small away. You mull this sentence they let slip over in your mind for weeks. It may be something incriminating or something surprising or something that when they said it, you could just feel the emotion of it all. Maybe I'm the only one that does this? I have a few of those sentences. Phrases you can remember verbatim. Excuse the metaphor, but they're like little movie quotes from your own life, that if you close your eyes, you can imagine the exact place and time and tone of voice and facial expression. I don't know what I'm trying to say with this. Maybe I should write those few sentences down.

I should really get an editor to revise my thoughts before I write them down. But that would take all the fun out of raw unedited ramblings. Yeah, something like that.

It was raining and I took a turn and someone nearly skid into me which caused me swerve out of the way and I skidded almost off the road today and it was all so fast and scary and I think I might have cried a little. I just remembered that. I hate how something big can happen and one can dismiss it. It's unnerving.

P.S.
I get a lump in my throat and my eyes water or I get goosebumps when I see the trailer. THE TRAILER. I have never been more excited for a movie in my entire life. I'm trying not to watch too much about it and spoil anything, although I do have ridiculously high expectations which could be a good thing and a bad thing.

I really really really hope it's every little thing I imagined and more.
Here's to Friday.

Stephen Marley. Damien Rice. The Arcade Fire. It may sound like name-dropping but it's really just me still being in awe that I saw it all in one day. Most amazing, dance-filled, sunny, happy, surrounded-by-those-i-love, sweaty, hydrated, tiring, comfortable, uncomfortable, emotionally-charged weekend of my life. I can't put it all into words yet, but live music moves me even more than recorded music. Best concert, hands down. I can't stop listening to any of it, and I can't stop thinking about the order of songs chosen and a certain cover Damien slipped in there at the end. What- I just- seriously- SERIOUSLY? Coincidence isn't the word. I'll write more on this later. I'm still excited about it and it's over. I'll post pictures and talk in detail about the sets but for right now, allow me to steal a shot that I sort of remember. My eyes were closed some of the time and it was like millions of different emotions at once. I wanted to dance and sing and scream and cry and just soak in every second, every instrument sound, every harmony and crescendo and riff and not let any of it go. if the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger...but our hearts get torn up. Whoever said that attaching your own emotions to songs and making them mean something to you more than just a work of art is wrong should be hunt down. we're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to rust oh and p.s. this is necessary.

I can't choose just one. All I'll ever need.