That Girl With The Ukulele: November 2007

There are good days, don't get me wrong. There are some who listen and make me feel better and for that I am thankful. There are days that are genuinely wonderful, a few at least.
But really, I've been secretly falling apart.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I really don't.
I feel like I go through the motions of doing things every day and I can act like it's really something that matters to me but I have no idea what's important anymore. I am filling out applications and stressing out over them and the thought keeps entering my mind that maybe I'm just not going to go anywhere. Or at least nowhere that matters to me. My life feels so stagnant and everything is slipping. There are problems that just keep building up, so fast that I can't even solve the problems that were here before. I am in way over my head on some things, but on others I don't even put forth effort and I know that I should. Spiritually, I'm just drained. Normally prayer is one of the things that keeps me grounded and keeps me from stressing out but lately, if I'm completely honest, I don't even think about it being useful. That fact absolutely kills me because I know it works. There have been so many disappointments lately, so many people that have let me down and at the same time I know I have let other people down. I used to think relationships were things I was good at, I was fine dealing with people and working things out, but I can't. I don't feel like anything I say is adequate enough. "Sorry" seems so ridiculous to me, as if I feel like saying it would change nothing. I actually don't know what to say, while normally I am sure that I am the one that can solve all my own problems. The most bizarre thing is that music fails to move me. I turn on a song just to feel....something. Anything. I end up upset because I don't feel anything and that kills me more than anything. I hate apathy. I look forward to sleeping. I actually look forward to it, and not because I'm working so hard that I'm tired, but because when I'm asleep I don't have to deal with anything. Some nights I can't sleep, and those are the absolute worst. I spend my time thinking about potential dialogue in situations that will never happen.

And above all, I hate this. I hate that I have plenty of words for talking about what's wrong but when I try to see the good or what could make it better, it gets hard. I hate that everything in my life has to be about me and I can't see past my own problems. I hate that I can't share this with anyone because I hate being vulnerable and I don't want to feel like me talking about what I'm feeling is just me trying to bring attention to myself. I hate this self-absorbed nature of it all. And I hate how many times I just used the word 'hate'. "You're too negative and I'm gonna make it all better!!" What was I thinking? Really? Wow, I am seriously honestly embarrassedly sorry for that. The word 'hypocritical' stings.