First year of college.....where do I begin?
Tears realizing I've reached adulthood and tears realizing I've still got so far to go until my independence is truly solid and grounded. Staying up all night because my mind races and all I can do is physically move around and shake off these feelings of overwhelming insecurities that manifest in the dark, knowing that with the sunlight through my blinds comes a fresh day, a new start. Two hours of literally laughing in conversation with Jesus early in the morning, discovering that he speaks loudly and he listens intently and he's able to hear me clearly even without two cups of coffee in my system.
Yells of triumph with my friends because we realize that this moment is it. We found each other! This isn't some fake apology-friendship out of convenience, these are people who love, people who care, people who accept and challenge and build up and they are happening now. NOW. No more waiting for real community and real relationships.
The chains of youth that keep us down are broken, the authorities that typically tell us to keep this teenage frustration and passion inside and never reveal it are silenced when we jump up and down and cry out and laugh fiercely because we feel that security with each other. It's not an over-inflated metaphor or a semblance of something, no, this experience of newfound freedom in being completely myself is the closest thing I can relate to true happiness. Through the course of explorations and conversations, us, this diverse little family of friends that all seemed to band together, were finally ourselves. Every night wasn't a heart-to-heart per say, but we stopped putting on airs or trying so desperately to get people to notice and appreciate us. We simply took each other, flaws and all, and said, okay, let's do this whole finding-yourself thing together. Instead of wasting time, let's cut right to the center of what we need, let's express when we're upset and completely fill the evenings with our joy. While high school welcomed disguises and false loves, something broke around the end of first semester and my deepest secrets weren't kept inside anymore, because, really, what was the point? This honesty, this true deep bond we formed was more important than impressing each other. We constantly made fun of each other, but it echoed of love and of trust and of a desire to play and know each other deeply. We wanted so badly to discover everything, waking up every morning not knowing what the day might hold and so eager to latch onto every opportunity. The physical location never mattered; we swore that we'd be more than entertained as long as the others were there. Driving, singing, swimming, walking, running, dancing, snacking, jumping, climbing, talking- in rain, snow (!) and especially sunshine, were all accompanied by this new reality where acceptance of each others' quirks and shortcomings was automatic. It wasn't hard to be friends with each other but it was demanding in the best way. We grew up quickly, but still looked back. We found those songs that stop you in your tracks and linger in your ears and wrote a few of our own. Most importantly, we prayed and held on tight to the fact that this bond wouldn't ever be weakened. I don't tend to dwell on the fact that it may not be the same next year. Some will leave, but however ridiculously mushy and Hallmark this all sounds, I believe the whole love we share for living life to the fullest will still be there, no matter what.
The best kinds of relationships are the ones that force you to grow. If this growth means a little hurt in the process and sadness when it's over, so be it.
"Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up." Love takes a lot but I'd rather be swept up in something so overwhelming than be complacent. I thought growing up and finding your place as an adult was supposed to be boring, but it is surprising every day, passion-filled, and exciting. Here's to this year being the beginning of real love, real relationships, and real FAMILY.
