Halloween 2007: I am RoadKill.

I am so deathly terrified of the future. I am terrified of not being in control and not knowing what's coming next. I've heard it said, but it hasn't really sunk in until lately that the fact that I have no idea where I will be living this time next year is just so bizarre. I have tried so long to forget all of this and think that maybe if I just never brought up the future it wouldn't come, but I am pretty sure that strategy is not working. Life is fun, but I just feel like looming in the distance is this big change and decision in my life. "It may be good, it may be bad, but whatever the outcome, it's coming and it's nerve-racking." I use a quote from last year to describe next year. Replace that with the "spoons-when-all-you-need-is-a-knife" line, Alanis.

There are a lot of things happening right now that are out of my control. There are things I can't understand, there are things that upset me and there's a whole lot of heartbreak. I've been told things I never wanted to hear, and there are situations spiraling out of control that I can't get a grip on. There are good things, though. I have decided am not going to let myself be constantly disappointed by certain people anymore, whether that means taking a temporary break from them or something more intense, I'll have to see. I am so overwhelmed by the ability the Posse has to surround a situation in prayer and in just genuine love. It sounds cheesy but it's completely true.

This year has been so rewarding already. I'm sure I'll look back on this sentence when I'm older and still believe I didn't have it all quite right, but it sucks that you have to go through three years of awkwardly and uncomfortably finding out who you really are and what you believe in and stand for in high school until you find your place. I have such a good foundation of faith and friends right now, and even though there are major events happening that I have never had to deal with before, I feel okay. Of course, bringing back the initial fear, there is a definite unavoidable chance that all of this foundation and surroundings I have built up this year will all change next year and I'll have to do it all again. I can only hope it won't take as long. And, since I really haven't made a decision about where it is I want to be next year, I'll be praying pretty nonstop.

In addition to all of this, for the CliffNotes version:

current likes
the starbucks free songs on itunes!
cold weather!
sharon jones and the dap-kings
phone conversations
naps
making up my own language
3rd period
stephen colbert
the tom hanks pledge
non pc muskrats
THE NEW BEIRUT CD
cold day party prospects
the hobbit cafe!!
MARK RONSON
cuddling

current dislikes
stupidity (no, i really mean this. people who do stupid things.)
lying
deciding what to write on college essays
classroom angst
not being open to new music
girls who find their entire identity in a boy
splinters
not being able to remember my dreams
how expensive polaroid film is
the united states postal service
not getting enough sleep

1. Happy 67th Birthday, John Lennon.

2. They are phasing out GT programs in elementary schools now and pretty soon they will not exist anymore. Ridiculous.

3. Obsessed:

4. I'm no good at not talking.

every time i read The Bell Jar i feel really small and sad after.
but sam cooke can cure that right away. he cures lots of things.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 (NIV)

...I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
So you're supposed to rejoice when you have a bad day.

"Who actually can do that?" -Karen Cain.

Be thankful? Be thankful. For blessings you don't even realize you have. "To keep me from being conceited" - okay. It makes sense. Thorns in your side are somewhat essential to keep us in check, because we really only turn to God when we have a problem/thorn, right? I mean, when things are going good and well, we think it's of our own doing and that we can handle it and then when the world comes crashing down we either come running back to God and eventually admit we can't go it alone or we get angry and ask why this is happening to us.

But God should be enough. That's a scary concept to the world today. How would we find salvation without iPhones and text messaging and Grey's Anatomy? He is sufficient and perfect. As in nothing else is needed.

"God can only use you greatly when he's hurt you deeply."
I heard that tonight. It's a bit controversial wording, maybe uneasy to some, but I get it. Trials are essential for growth. Without them we learn nothing, it seems. The times when you have to hang on and hold fast to faith are the times when you learn, or should be. So maybe that means you just have to delve in deeper to him during hard times. But learning to rejoice in them? That's a whole other story.